This week, we began a new Sunday School study--an 8 week DVD Study known as Parenting by Design. In 2003, Chris and Michelle Groff were forced to check their son into a treatment program in Colorado. In the fall of that year, they attended a family weekend event presented by the program's therapists under the direction of Lee Long. At this family weekend, the therapists offered a parenting class which became the basis for the current Parenting by Design program.
Lesson One deals with parenting styles and methods and asks the question, "Why do we parent the way we do?" According to the Groffs, the most influential source of parenting style usually is the example of YOUR parents. It is understandable that we would absorb most of our parenting skills from the parents to whom we were exposed for the first 18 years or so of our lives. Of course, this does not always mean that one will adopt the style of his/her parents. Sometimes, we adopt an opposing methodology to compensate for what we perceive as mistakes made by our own parents.
In Lesson One, we identified a number of other factors that often influence our parenting styles. These factors may include your agreement or disagreement with the following statements: "1. I like to feel in control of my kids and their lives. 2. I want to be appreciated by my kids. 3. I don't want my child to suffer as I did. 4. I love my child, and I do everything I can for him or her."
Lesson One also included a discussion about our goals as parents. The "Success Trap" was identified as a potential downfall for parents and children. Chris stated, "When we ask parents to describe what a successful parenting experience might look like, they often respond that their children would exhibit traits like faith, love of God, love of others, happiness, respect, etc. But when we drill down to specifics, we begin to see the world's influence. It is convicting to take a little time and reflect on our definition of "success" and to see how the world's view can surreptitiously influence our thinking."
Four questions that parents were encourged to ask were:
"What is a successful job?, What about status in that job? How about marriage and family? and Is recogniton important?" Fame is awarded for all the wrong reasons. As with power, the world craves fame for the glory it brings to the individual rather than seeking to bring glory to God. Our culture defines success based on money, power, beauty, and fame.
We should be seeking God's definition of success for our children. God places no value on money, fame, power, or beauty. Jesus describes the Godly picture of success in Matthew 20:26-28: "...whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave--just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many." Phillipians 2:3-5 reinforces this concept. Dr. Tim Kimmel defines true greatness as: "A passionate love for God that demonstrates itself in an unquenchable love and concern for others."
We need to trust that God knows best. Psalm 139:13 assures us that God has known us for a long time and He not only created our children, He purposefully designed us to be the parents of our children. We must trust God to equip us for the task. (Hebrews 13:20,21)
Groff says, "Don't be surprised when, during the course of this class, you begin to see your relationship with your Heavenly Father differently." James Dobson says, "Ideal parenting is modeled after the relationship between God and man. And, the context of parenting enables us to see God's parental love in a unique way." God's unconditional love is amazing. "It is the model we should strive to emulate in our relationships. God uses the parenting journey as a unique tool to help us grow spiritually. It has a way of exposing areas where we are too invested in worldly validation, where we are indulging our flesh in the way we communicate, and where we are failing to trust God. Few things are harder to trust to Him than our children. Ask God to reveal your blind spots and where they are affecting our parenting decisions. This can be a golden opportunity to chart a new course."
Finally, in Lesson One, we discussed Parenting Styles: Bonding, Boundaries, and Balance. Bonding is the capacity to get close to another person. Boundaries are necessary for a child to be a distinct person.
Groff states, "To the extent we can learn to be balanced between these two needs, we are likely to have healthy relationships." Our lesson described The Trinity as a perfect model of balance between bonding and boundaries. The Groffs have described parents with three different labels which describe their trends toward the extremes of parenting. The first label is "The Rescuer." This parent fears failure and they do everything in their power to help their kids avoid mistakes. They hover, protect, and rescue their children from their predicaments. They sacrifice necessary boundaries for bonding. The children of rescuers often demonstrate entitlement because they learn to expect parents to solve problems for them.
Proverbs 19:19 warns against this type of parenting:
"A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again."
The Dictator also cannot stand to see their child fail. Their concern is less about preventing pain, but more about promoting success. They lecture, order, and direct their kids to a path they are certain will bring appropriate results. Dictators sacrifice the bonding a child craves for boundaries. They focus on results and neglect nurturing. They undermine their child's individuality by demanding that things be done the parent's way. The children of dictators often become rebellious or withdrawn. Because these kids are given little control over their lives, they often try to gain it back in inappropriate ways.
Proverbs 12:18 addresses this kind of parenting:
"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
The Consultant parent embraces bonding and boundaries. They communicate their love while embracing the child's individuality and value. These parents send a message that the quality of the child's life depends greatly on the choices he/she makes. The consultant parent is described in the following verses:
Proverbs 17:27, Ephesians 6:4, and Colossians 3:21.
We should all be striving for balance. Verses that support Bonding include:
James 1:19, Proverbs 15:1, Proverbs 16:23. The importance of Boundaries is described in Proverbs 6:23, Proverbs 19:18, Proverbs 29:21, and Ephesians 4:15.
As Mr. Groff said in the lesson, "There has only been one perfect parent...and, you're not Him." Even the children of the perfect parent have rebelled. Therefore, we cannot assume that our own children will not be rebellious at times. Yet, God demonstrated unconditional love to His children and we should strive to emulate that unconditional love to our own children. We should seek that Godly balance of bonding and boundaries.
Which parenting style best describes you?
Are there some areas where you need to redefine "success" in parenting? If so, how can you model that for your children?
Practice empathy by spending some time engaged in an activity your child enjoys. Ask them what it is about that activity they love so much.
Next Week: "The Three E's of Parenting: Experience, Example, Exploration"
Have a great week.
Jimmy
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