June 26--Boulders and Backpacks--Lesson # 4

PRAYER REQUESTS: PRE-TEENS AT CAMP THIS WEEK, JESSICA'S NEIGHBOR'S SON (NATHAN)--HEART ATTACK, PASSING OF DAD IN FAMILY WITH YOUNG CHILDREN, JIMMY'S DAD.

Today's lesson is titled, "Becoming a New Parent". The Groffs discuss the challenges of changing one's parent style to one that neither dictates nor rescues children, but rather allows children to make choices and requires them to live with the consequences of those choices. As parents, it is often hard for us to allow our children to make poor choices resulting in painful consequences.

Chris Groff describes the manipulation skills of our children when he talks about the ability to young children to "push the right buttons" to set off their parents. Our kids know our trigger points and they often delight in manipulating us to the point that we explode or engage in an out-of-control response to some behavior or attitude demonstrated by our kids. Chris and Michelle advise us as parents to stay balanced. Chris states, "Remember, the most loving thing you can provide for them [your children] is an empathetic environment where they are encouraged to struggle with a problem in order to learn long-term life lessons. Take the longest possible view of the issue and let them learn from it." Life is a process. Allowing your children to manage the process is the best gift you can give to your children.

Today's lesson is based on the teaching of two scripture verses:
Galatians 6:2--encourages us to carry each other's burdens. The word used to describe "burden" is a word that means those loads, those burdens that are crushing in weight in which one person cannot possible be successful in carrying. Galatians 6:5 encourages everyone to carry their own load. The word used to describe load refers to a load that can be managed by one person. Chris and Michelle discriminate between the two concepts by describing one as a boulder--way too large for one individual to shoulder and carry, while the other is a backkpack, specifically designed to be carried by one person and efficiently moved from place to place by one individual.

Our job as parents is to discern between the backpacks and the boulders in your child's life. Even in the case of a boulder, we should not attempt to completely take over the responsibility of dealing with the issue. We should, according to the Groffs, be an empathetic supporter, building a scaffold system to help our children deal with such issues. In the case of backpack issues, we should have the patience and courage to allow our children to struggle....and even fail in order to learn how to deal efficiently and effectively with such issues.

Let's take a look at a few examples of "backpack" issues. Chris offers three examples of backpack issues that could be left to the child. These examples include getting ready in the morning. This might include dressing oneself, eating breakfast, getting to the carpool or bus stop on time, or having supplies and books in the backpack or book satchel. Chores around the house are also examples of backpack issues. Finally, homework can be an example of a backpack issue. Of course, this one can become a boulder as well because of the long-term impact it can have on a student's academic future.

Some boulder examples include dealing with injuries and/or illnesses and the ending of relationships. Sometimes, kids need empathetic encouragers and scaffolds in order to deal with these issues.

Here are the guidelines offered by the Groffs for discerning backpack issues from boulder issues:

1. Don't do something for your child they can and should do for themselves.
2. If helping makes you feel resentful, the issue is probably a "backpack."
3. Be respectful of your child's responsibility.

A TEMPLATE FOR DEALING WITH BACKPACKS AND BOULDERS P. 46 OF PARENTING BY DESIGN WORKBOOK:

BACKPACK ISSUES BOULDER ISSUES

1. Give empathy, "How sad," or "I bet that 1. Give empathy, "How sad," or
hurts." "That sounds awful."

2. Clarify whose problem it is, "What do 2. Clarify whose problem it is,
you think you're going to do?" "What do you think..."

3. Offer choices, "Would you like to 3. Offer help, "What could I do
hear what other people your age have tried?" to help you?"
A. Offer your worst choices first. A. Ask for 3 options.
B. Go to step 4 after every choice. B. Choose one option and tweak
C. Never be afraid to run out of choices. it until you feel good about giving
it.

4. Ask how their choice will work, "How do 4. Ask how it would make them feel
you think that will work for you?" if you gave them that help, "How
would you feel if I did ______?"

5. Give the power statement, "That sounds 5. Give the promise statement,
great. Let me know how it turns out." "Then I'll do it."

6. After you have done what you
promised, re-evaluate whether the
problem is still a boulder or if it
has become a backpack.

Think of examples of boulders and backpacks in your home.

Have a great week.
Jimmy and Cindy