It Does Matter How You Play the Game--Empathy

Today's lesson was the conclusion of the Parenting by Design series. In today's lesson, our presenter calls empathy the glue that holds the parenting process together. Without empathy, the principles of Parenting by Design lose their effectiveness. God's unconditional empathy for His children is summed up best in Romans 5:8: "But God demonstrates His own love for us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Despite our rebellion, Jesus laid down His life to secure our relationship with God. He is the perfect example for our relationship with our own children. The perfect parent says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)

We have learned to give our kids choices and to administer consequences when they violate a boundary. It is equally important that our entire interaction with our kids reflect the same empathy that God demonstrated in His Word. When you are able to display that kind of unconditional love by offering choices and delivering consequences with empathy, your child will know that no bad choice can separate him from your love. It makes a consequence seem bearable. With empathy, you can stay connected with your child while he is enduring a consequence and open the door to exploring motives behind his choices. The trust that empathy builds gives you that opportunity.

What does it look like when we display a lack of empathy toward our children? Lack of empathy is often expressed in sarcasm, judgment, condemnation, condescension, belittling, or resentment. It can show up in denying or dismissing a child's emotional response to a tough situation. Even when we are trying our best to help, we can communicate a lack of empathy by rushing to solve the problem.

Delivering consequences with empathy rather than anger or disrespect communicates two things--unconditional love and confidence that the child is capable of solving the problem for himself. Empathy conquers a fear of consequences.

Empathy is not the same thing as praise. Praise focuses on a result. Empathy focuses on a process. Separate the process from the result. That way, children do not learn that they must perform at a certain level for their parents to approve of them.

Finally, as parents, we need to be prepared to admit our failures and to ask our children to forgive us when we make bad choices related to parenting. God is our perfect model. The closer we are able to emulate him in our efforts to raise our own children, the more likely we will be to be able to discipline, correct, land reinforce our children's behavior with empathy.

During our discussion this morning, Bo Miles shared a list of virtues to pray for our children. The entire list can be accessed at the following website:

In addition, we discussed hosting the putt putt station at the fall festival again this year. After class, a few of us discussed the possibility of one last swimming party at the end of summer. We will study this possibility and look for availability and dates. If anyone has any other ideas for a class get-together, let us know.

NEXT WEEK: We begin "Invincible Love, Invisible War". See you then. Have a great week.

Jimmy and Cindy

Worksheet for Identifying Consequences

If you were looking for the headings to the columns on the worksheet designed to help you identify consequences in the blog, I apologize. The format on this blog will not allow me to print columns in any shape or form. The column titles came out garbled in the blog today. So, here is another effort. I am going to try to attach a copy of this worksheet and hope it works. Here goes.

July 24, 2011--Lesson Seven "Consequences"

In today's lesson, we examined the importance of givng consequences consistently and considered the kinds of consequences that are most effective. Chris opened the lesson by mentioning that many of you have small children and that many have small, compliant children. For these parents, it may be difficult for them to envision their children stepping over the discipline boundary in a significant way. He emphasized that all children will eventually step over the boundary just as we step over the boundary with our Heavenly Father. When this occurs, consequences should and will follow.

The first important point to consider in delivering consequences for behavior is to be sure that consequences are consistently delivered. Failure to act consistently in the delivery of consequences is very confusing to a child. If consequences are assigned sometimes and not assigned at other times, the discipline lessons are significantly diminished. According to the Groffs, consistently implementing consequences for bad behavior with empathy communicates love for the child.

Indeed, when God's servant Moses struck the rock causing water to flow in the desert, and accepted the glory for the provision of water, God felt compelled to issue a consequence for this behavior, resulting in Moses not being able to enter the promised land. Even though Moses was a great man of God and even though he had served God well, God assigned consequences to his behavior. It is quite obvious that sin must be addressed.

Chris stated that many of us tend to default to one particular consequence. In many families with older kids, that default consequence is often grounding the child. However, the Groffs teach that varying the consequences to match the situation is more effective in teaching specific lessons. Sometimes, consequences occur naturally. If your child forgets his lunch, hunger is a natural consequence of such action. There will be times when you will need to construct a consequence. In such cases, the Groffs recommend using one's imagination to identify a consequence that might teach a better lesson than the old "default" consequence.

Chris also encourages us to evaluate our consequences. If the consequence is too hard, the lesson to the child is diminished. If it is too lenient, there is no learning experience at all.

Be prepared! Kids will complain about consequences and our teacher suggests that some complaining is acceptable and even expected. Most of us grumble when we receive a ticket, even if the ticket was well-deserved. Kids are no different. However, we should be careful to distinguish between harmless complaining and disrespectt. If the comments are about the punishment and the target of the comments is the situation or the consequence, that is acceptable. However, if the target of the comment is you or your spouse, that may be stepping over the boundary and may be considered disrespectful. If disrespect occurs, consequences should be implemented, again with appropriate empathy.

According to Chris Groff, poor choices should be addressed immediately and inappropriate behavior should be pointed out. However, it is appropriate to delay the consequence, giving the child time to think about his behavior to to consider other responses that he might have chosen. The lesson today makes reference to a worksheet to help you identify possible consequences for specific behavior. Here are the four columns of the workbook:

Things your child Things your child Things you do Things that can be
does not like to do likes to do as favors exchanged for your time,
effort, and money.

Finally, our teacher describes "exploration" as the follow-up to consequences. This step should be taken only after the emotions are passed--not in the heat of the moment when emotions are running high.

NEXT WEEK: Lesson 8--Empathy

Thanks to all of you who brought breakfast food this morning and thanks for the diaper supply for the Halberts. As we mentioned, we will begin a new series in two weeks called, "Invincible Love, Invisible War". If you would like to learn more about this series, go to https://amazingcollectionstore.com/user/login

At the top of the page, you will see a label for "Store". Choose Store and then scroll down the left side until you see the title, "Invincible Love, Invisible War." This will bring you to a picture of the workbook. Click on the title and it will take you to an overview of the study and, if you have created an account on the original page, an opportunity to purchase a workbook if you choose. The workbook costs $14.99 plus tax and shipping. You are not required to create an account just to review the material. If you wish to purchase, you will need to create an account or you could order by calling 1-888-366-3460.

You certainly don't need a workbook to complete the study. However, for some folks, the workbook helps them complete the study.

July 17--Lesson #6 "Choices Within Limits"

ANNOUNCEMENT
Please mark your calendar for next Sunday, July 24, 2011. We will be hosting a diaper shower/breakfast for the Halberts, who are expecting their fourth child soon. Please bring diapers and wipes and a breakfast dish or pastry to share. The church will provide coffee, water, and perhaps, juice?

PRAYER REQUESTS: Pray for Wesley Holmes and all our junior high students who will be on a mission trip this week in Arkansas. Pray that God will open their eyes and give them a heart for those in need--spiritually and physically. (But, isn't that a great prayer for us all? I know it is for me.) Pray for Leslie's mom, Sylvia Day who is recovering from by-pass surgery. Pray for a Boy Scout who underwent emergency appendectomy surgery this week. Pray also for our visitors this week: Shawn and Kim Reynolds. Shawn and Kim have three children: Emalee(7), Danielle(4), and Elizabeth (7 months). PRAISE REPORTS: Jessica's mom has experienced healing and Valerie received a positive medical report. Thank God for hearing our prayers and for His divine intervention.

In today's lesson from Parenting by Design, the Groffs discuss the concept of offering kids choices within limits. Chris talked about the fact that God gave his people a free choice and the fact that we often learn best by experiencing the consequences of choices, good and bad. In the case of our kids, Chris suggests that we build choices between two parameters: safety and our own values. Often, kids are more amenable to control battles and boundary setting when they have choices that are clearly under their own control.

Mr. Groff also discusses the contrast between commands and choices. We can avoid control battles often by providing our kids with more choices. As long as they choices remain within the parameters of what is safe and our own value system, they are perfectly legitimate strategies to avoid the total rebellion that often is a result of a control battle.

We had some great examples shared in class of successful efforts to provide choices for our own kids. Natalie Halbert shared a situation in which one of her children was refusing to wear clothes that Mom and Dad felt were appropriate for certain occasions and activities. They began to pick out two or three outfits and gave the child the opportunity to choose an outfit from the selected ensembles the night before. That way, there was no crisis the next morning when it came time to get dressed. Stephanie and Brian shared an example in which a child wanted to attend a party and stay out until 11:00 p.m. After ensuring that the parents hosting the party were responsible and that appropriate supervision would be present, they still had issues with the lateness of the hour. The child was given the choice of going to the party and leaving at 10:30 p.m. or not going. In this way, the child was not denied the opportunity to socialize and spend time with friends. However, appropriate limits that reflected the values of the family were implemented.

We also had a discussion about the difference between commands and choices and reiterated the fact that there are always consequences for choices, both good and bad. What an important concept for our kids to learn!

Think about these concepts and principles and their application in your own family. Perhaps, God is showing you another way to guide your kids without being overbearing and creating an attitude of hostility?

Next week, in Lesson 7, we will discuss "Consequences." I look forward to seeing you there.

The Developmental Stages--Lesson # 5

Today's lesson dealt with the developmental stages which children progress as they grow and mature. According to the Groffs, an understanding of the developmental stages helps us to have realistic expectations for our children and their behavior and helps us to understand the struggles they are facing. It also sheds light on some of the quirky things your child is likely to do and enables you to offer the kind of scaffolding he or she may need to move from one stage of development to another. In addition, knowing what your child is experiencing helps you to be empathetic. When you understand the unique challenges of each stage of the developmental process, you will be less inclined to misinterpret their actions. Understanding encourages empathy.
The Developmental Stages as outlined in today's lesson are:
I. Infant/Toddler--Ages 0-2, II. Preschool--Ages 2-6, III. Elementary--Ages 6-12, and IV. Teenage--Ages 13-18+. Within each stage, the Groffs discussed three types of development: Relational, Intellectual, and Moral.

During the first stage (Infant/Toddler), children tend to be bonding with those around them. A lack of bonding at this age can create serious problems that can be long-lasting. Fortunately, God has designed parents, and particularly mothers, in such a way that this bonding process is as pleasurable for parents as it is for the child. Because bonding is the sole focus at this stage, the bonding that occurs is pervasive. The intellectual world of a newborn is limited to what the child can physically sense. As their senses develop, their world expands, but only to the extent that they can physically perceive and interact with it. For example, when they see something it exists, but when it is hidden from view, it ceases to exist. Because these kids don't have language yet, their primary method of causing change in the environment is crying. They quickly learn that crying brings a parent and cases change. In reference to moral development, the thinking is again very simple at this age. Children of this age tend to think that whatever brings pleasure is good and whatever brings pain is bad. They are unable to comprehend things outside their physical world

During the pre-schooler stage, children begin to test boundaries as they meet people outside the family and learn to interact with them. Children at this age like to use the word "No." They are learning to separate from you ever so slightly. In the elementary stage, they are engaged heavily in information gathering and they develop a sense of fairness based on a strict set of rules. Moral decisions are based on this sense of fairness.

As they progress through the teenage years, they are likely to explore bonding again...this time outside the family. For this reason, it is not uncommon to see "puppy love" and short, but intense "romances." The pre-frontal cortex of the brain is not yet fully developed, causing teenagers to make decisions that often seen irrational. The pre-frontal cortex controls impulse decisions, delayed gratification, reasoning and risk assessment. Consequently, we often see teens taking inappropriate risks, acting on impulse, or acting in an unreasonable manner. Teens also are likely to seek acceptance and affirmation from groups with whom they are affiliated. Group interaction exposes kids to value systems other than their family's and the pressure to conform causes them to take the group's ideas very seriously. They will not take kindly to a denouncement of their group's ideology during this substage. Hopefully, toward the end of this stage, we begin to see young people developing principles as guidelines for moral decisions. When asked what the greatest commandment was, Jesus responded in Mark 12:28-31, "...Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no greater commandement than these." Christ gives two principles that should govern everything we do. Remember, at this age, you are still the most influential person in your kid's life. However, your input will be discounted if it is not provided empathetically.

Next Week: Choices Within Limits

Have a great week: Jimmy and Cindy

June 26--Boulders and Backpacks--Lesson # 4

PRAYER REQUESTS: PRE-TEENS AT CAMP THIS WEEK, JESSICA'S NEIGHBOR'S SON (NATHAN)--HEART ATTACK, PASSING OF DAD IN FAMILY WITH YOUNG CHILDREN, JIMMY'S DAD.

Today's lesson is titled, "Becoming a New Parent". The Groffs discuss the challenges of changing one's parent style to one that neither dictates nor rescues children, but rather allows children to make choices and requires them to live with the consequences of those choices. As parents, it is often hard for us to allow our children to make poor choices resulting in painful consequences.

Chris Groff describes the manipulation skills of our children when he talks about the ability to young children to "push the right buttons" to set off their parents. Our kids know our trigger points and they often delight in manipulating us to the point that we explode or engage in an out-of-control response to some behavior or attitude demonstrated by our kids. Chris and Michelle advise us as parents to stay balanced. Chris states, "Remember, the most loving thing you can provide for them [your children] is an empathetic environment where they are encouraged to struggle with a problem in order to learn long-term life lessons. Take the longest possible view of the issue and let them learn from it." Life is a process. Allowing your children to manage the process is the best gift you can give to your children.

Today's lesson is based on the teaching of two scripture verses:
Galatians 6:2--encourages us to carry each other's burdens. The word used to describe "burden" is a word that means those loads, those burdens that are crushing in weight in which one person cannot possible be successful in carrying. Galatians 6:5 encourages everyone to carry their own load. The word used to describe load refers to a load that can be managed by one person. Chris and Michelle discriminate between the two concepts by describing one as a boulder--way too large for one individual to shoulder and carry, while the other is a backkpack, specifically designed to be carried by one person and efficiently moved from place to place by one individual.

Our job as parents is to discern between the backpacks and the boulders in your child's life. Even in the case of a boulder, we should not attempt to completely take over the responsibility of dealing with the issue. We should, according to the Groffs, be an empathetic supporter, building a scaffold system to help our children deal with such issues. In the case of backpack issues, we should have the patience and courage to allow our children to struggle....and even fail in order to learn how to deal efficiently and effectively with such issues.

Let's take a look at a few examples of "backpack" issues. Chris offers three examples of backpack issues that could be left to the child. These examples include getting ready in the morning. This might include dressing oneself, eating breakfast, getting to the carpool or bus stop on time, or having supplies and books in the backpack or book satchel. Chores around the house are also examples of backpack issues. Finally, homework can be an example of a backpack issue. Of course, this one can become a boulder as well because of the long-term impact it can have on a student's academic future.

Some boulder examples include dealing with injuries and/or illnesses and the ending of relationships. Sometimes, kids need empathetic encouragers and scaffolds in order to deal with these issues.

Here are the guidelines offered by the Groffs for discerning backpack issues from boulder issues:

1. Don't do something for your child they can and should do for themselves.
2. If helping makes you feel resentful, the issue is probably a "backpack."
3. Be respectful of your child's responsibility.

A TEMPLATE FOR DEALING WITH BACKPACKS AND BOULDERS P. 46 OF PARENTING BY DESIGN WORKBOOK:

BACKPACK ISSUES BOULDER ISSUES

1. Give empathy, "How sad," or "I bet that 1. Give empathy, "How sad," or
hurts." "That sounds awful."

2. Clarify whose problem it is, "What do 2. Clarify whose problem it is,
you think you're going to do?" "What do you think..."

3. Offer choices, "Would you like to 3. Offer help, "What could I do
hear what other people your age have tried?" to help you?"
A. Offer your worst choices first. A. Ask for 3 options.
B. Go to step 4 after every choice. B. Choose one option and tweak
C. Never be afraid to run out of choices. it until you feel good about giving
it.

4. Ask how their choice will work, "How do 4. Ask how it would make them feel
you think that will work for you?" if you gave them that help, "How
would you feel if I did ______?"

5. Give the power statement, "That sounds 5. Give the promise statement,
great. Let me know how it turns out." "Then I'll do it."

6. After you have done what you
promised, re-evaluate whether the
problem is still a boulder or if it
has become a backpack.

Think of examples of boulders and backpacks in your home.

Have a great week.
Jimmy and Cindy

June 19--Lesson 3: Parental Authority

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!


Today's lesson dealt with Parental Authority or central authority in the family. In some very important ways, earthly families are models of the spiritual family. The Groffs suggest that parents are a child's first curriculum on God. In his/her early development, a child does not understand the concept of a transcendant God. However, they learn about love, provision, authority, submission, and dependence by observing and experiencing the parent/child relationship.

According to the Groffs, when a small child understands, accepts, and enjoys their parents as the central authority in their lives, they are prepared to accept and enjoy God as their ultimate central authority. They learn about the nature of a relationship with God from their relationship with their parents. Hopefully, as they grow, they will become less and less dependent on their natural parents and more and more dependent on the Perfect Parent instead.

The Groffs refer to parenting as a "team sport." In other words, both parents have to be on the same page when it comes to interaction, discipline, consequences, and the exercise of authority in the family. As Chris says, "Kids are adept at discovering cracks in the parental coalition, and you should be aware of their ability to spot a weakness." He suggests that parents have "team meetings" in which they discuss issues, differences of opinion or philosophy, and the best action or communication in reference to their kids or some behavior of their kids. In talking with your spouse about the kids, he suggests that we should be empathetic and attentive listeners as our partner expresses their position. Each person in the body of Christ has different spiritual gifts. Therefore, it is not surprising to find that the husband and wife will also have different parenting skills. Chris Groff advises us to listen to one another and to discuss our views calmly in order to establish a joint response that we both can support.

God has uniquely created you to be the central authority of your family. However, this role requres a delicate balance. Being the central authority requires the judicious exercise of power that helps each member of the family grow into the person God intended them to be. Groff also makes the point that the parental exercise of power will likely be different for each child. As a parent, it is our job to determine the appropriate and unique limits for each child.

Unfortunately, in some families, the role of central authority has been unwittingly ceded to a child or to the children. This happens when we allow the child's activities to become the center of the family's life. In today's society, this reality is fairly common. We all want our kids to have meaningful experiences that will help them develop and be prepared for the challenges of life. Consequently, we sometimes, quite unaware of our actions, allow the tremendous deluge of activities and events to drive our schedules and to consume our time and energy. When this happens, it is easy for the central authority to be shifted away from you as the parents of the family.

Here are some examples of the perfect central authority shared by the Groffs:

God (as the central authority in our lives)
--Is a strong, calm authority
--Sets reasonable boundaries
--Permits any choice within those boundaries
--Lets the consequences of choices teach
--Relies on influence rather than control
--Meets us with unconditional love, regardless of our choices.

How about "Respect for Authority?" How important is it for your children to learn respect for authority? Very few of us have positions in life where we do not report to someone and do not, at some point, have to demonstrate submission to someone else in authority. Groff says that the family setting is a safe place to start practicing respect for authority.

Keep in mind also that a really good central authority will choose to EARN the respect of their children. They use power in a respectful and empathetic way.

As mentioned previously, in today's fast-paced society, it is not uncommon for a child's calendar to become the central authority in a family. In such situations, children often learn entitlement. If we take on their responsibilities and problems, they grow to expect it and become angry when a parent is not available to cater to their needs. This certainl is a sensitive issue since most parents want their children to be exposed to a lot of activities. Therefore, it becomes increasingly important that age and development appropriate boundaries be set and observed. Groff emphasizes that such boundaries should not be based on our own personal preferences, but on creating an environment within which you will allow your childrent to make good choices or mistakes and experience the consequences of them both.

The Groffs suggest one good indicator that we may be stepping over a boundary. They suggest that when a fun family activity becomes anxiety, this may be a clear indicator that we have crossed the boundary and that appropriate consequences should be allowed to progress.

Homework for this week:
Try to make dinnertime enjoyable. According to Groff (p.40), research shows that families who eat dinner together at least five times per week are substantially less likely to have kids who smoke, drink, lie, use drugs, have premaritial sex, or contemplate suicide. Make dinner a time for fun and sharing.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, DADS. HAVE A GREAT WEEK AHEAD.
JIMMY