We will begin a new series next week called, "Invincible Love, Invisible War". If you would like to learn more about this series, go to https://amazingcollectionstore.com/user/login
At the top of the page, you will see a label for "Store". Choose Store and then scroll down the left side until you see the title, "Invincible Love, Invisible War." This will bring you to a picture of the workbook. Click on the title and it will take you to an overview of the study and, if you have created an account on the original page, an opportunity to purchase a workbook if you choose. The workbook costs $14.99 plus tax and shipping. You are not required to create an account just to review the material. If you wish to purchase, you will need to create an account or you could order by calling 1-888-366-3460.
You certainly don't need a workbook to complete the study. However, for some folks, the workbook helps them complete the study.
This morning, during our discussion, Bo Miles shared a list of 31 virtures to pray for our children. Access the list at the website below. If the link doesn't work, just type in www.praymag.com
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
It Does Matter How You Play the Game--Empathy
Today's lesson was the conclusion of the Parenting by Design series. In today's lesson, our presenter calls empathy the glue that holds the parenting process together. Without empathy, the principles of Parenting by Design lose their effectiveness. God's unconditional empathy for His children is summed up best in Romans 5:8: "But God demonstrates His own love for us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Despite our rebellion, Jesus laid down His life to secure our relationship with God. He is the perfect example for our relationship with our own children. The perfect parent says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)
We have learned to give our kids choices and to administer consequences when they violate a boundary. It is equally important that our entire interaction with our kids reflect the same empathy that God demonstrated in His Word. When you are able to display that kind of unconditional love by offering choices and delivering consequences with empathy, your child will know that no bad choice can separate him from your love. It makes a consequence seem bearable. With empathy, you can stay connected with your child while he is enduring a consequence and open the door to exploring motives behind his choices. The trust that empathy builds gives you that opportunity.
What does it look like when we display a lack of empathy toward our children? Lack of empathy is often expressed in sarcasm, judgment, condemnation, condescension, belittling, or resentment. It can show up in denying or dismissing a child's emotional response to a tough situation. Even when we are trying our best to help, we can communicate a lack of empathy by rushing to solve the problem.
Delivering consequences with empathy rather than anger or disrespect communicates two things--unconditional love and confidence that the child is capable of solving the problem for himself. Empathy conquers a fear of consequences.
Empathy is not the same thing as praise. Praise focuses on a result. Empathy focuses on a process. Separate the process from the result. That way, children do not learn that they must perform at a certain level for their parents to approve of them.
Finally, as parents, we need to be prepared to admit our failures and to ask our children to forgive us when we make bad choices related to parenting. God is our perfect model. The closer we are able to emulate him in our efforts to raise our own children, the more likely we will be to be able to discipline, correct, land reinforce our children's behavior with empathy.
During our discussion this morning, Bo Miles shared a list of virtues to pray for our children. The entire list can be accessed at the following website:
In addition, we discussed hosting the putt putt station at the fall festival again this year. After class, a few of us discussed the possibility of one last swimming party at the end of summer. We will study this possibility and look for availability and dates. If anyone has any other ideas for a class get-together, let us know.
NEXT WEEK: We begin "Invincible Love, Invisible War". See you then. Have a great week.
Jimmy and Cindy
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Worksheet for Identifying Consequences
If you were looking for the headings to the columns on the worksheet designed to help you identify consequences in the blog, I apologize. The format on this blog will not allow me to print columns in any shape or form. The column titles came out garbled in the blog today. So, here is another effort. I am going to try to attach a copy of this worksheet and hope it works. Here goes.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
July 24, 2011--Lesson Seven "Consequences"
In today's lesson, we examined the importance of givng consequences consistently and considered the kinds of consequences that are most effective. Chris opened the lesson by mentioning that many of you have small children and that many have small, compliant children. For these parents, it may be difficult for them to envision their children stepping over the discipline boundary in a significant way. He emphasized that all children will eventually step over the boundary just as we step over the boundary with our Heavenly Father. When this occurs, consequences should and will follow.
The first important point to consider in delivering consequences for behavior is to be sure that consequences are consistently delivered. Failure to act consistently in the delivery of consequences is very confusing to a child. If consequences are assigned sometimes and not assigned at other times, the discipline lessons are significantly diminished. According to the Groffs, consistently implementing consequences for bad behavior with empathy communicates love for the child.
Indeed, when God's servant Moses struck the rock causing water to flow in the desert, and accepted the glory for the provision of water, God felt compelled to issue a consequence for this behavior, resulting in Moses not being able to enter the promised land. Even though Moses was a great man of God and even though he had served God well, God assigned consequences to his behavior. It is quite obvious that sin must be addressed.
Chris stated that many of us tend to default to one particular consequence. In many families with older kids, that default consequence is often grounding the child. However, the Groffs teach that varying the consequences to match the situation is more effective in teaching specific lessons. Sometimes, consequences occur naturally. If your child forgets his lunch, hunger is a natural consequence of such action. There will be times when you will need to construct a consequence. In such cases, the Groffs recommend using one's imagination to identify a consequence that might teach a better lesson than the old "default" consequence.
Chris also encourages us to evaluate our consequences. If the consequence is too hard, the lesson to the child is diminished. If it is too lenient, there is no learning experience at all.
Be prepared! Kids will complain about consequences and our teacher suggests that some complaining is acceptable and even expected. Most of us grumble when we receive a ticket, even if the ticket was well-deserved. Kids are no different. However, we should be careful to distinguish between harmless complaining and disrespectt. If the comments are about the punishment and the target of the comments is the situation or the consequence, that is acceptable. However, if the target of the comment is you or your spouse, that may be stepping over the boundary and may be considered disrespectful. If disrespect occurs, consequences should be implemented, again with appropriate empathy.
According to Chris Groff, poor choices should be addressed immediately and inappropriate behavior should be pointed out. However, it is appropriate to delay the consequence, giving the child time to think about his behavior to to consider other responses that he might have chosen. The lesson today makes reference to a worksheet to help you identify possible consequences for specific behavior. Here are the four columns of the workbook:
Things your child Things your child Things you do Things that can be
does not like to do likes to do as favors exchanged for your time,
effort, and money.
Finally, our teacher describes "exploration" as the follow-up to consequences. This step should be taken only after the emotions are passed--not in the heat of the moment when emotions are running high.
NEXT WEEK: Lesson 8--Empathy
Thanks to all of you who brought breakfast food this morning and thanks for the diaper supply for the Halberts. As we mentioned, we will begin a new series in two weeks called, "Invincible Love, Invisible War". If you would like to learn more about this series, go to https://amazingcollectionstore.com/user/login
At the top of the page, you will see a label for "Store". Choose Store and then scroll down the left side until you see the title, "Invincible Love, Invisible War." This will bring you to a picture of the workbook. Click on the title and it will take you to an overview of the study and, if you have created an account on the original page, an opportunity to purchase a workbook if you choose. The workbook costs $14.99 plus tax and shipping. You are not required to create an account just to review the material. If you wish to purchase, you will need to create an account or you could order by calling 1-888-366-3460.
You certainly don't need a workbook to complete the study. However, for some folks, the workbook helps them complete the study.
The first important point to consider in delivering consequences for behavior is to be sure that consequences are consistently delivered. Failure to act consistently in the delivery of consequences is very confusing to a child. If consequences are assigned sometimes and not assigned at other times, the discipline lessons are significantly diminished. According to the Groffs, consistently implementing consequences for bad behavior with empathy communicates love for the child.
Indeed, when God's servant Moses struck the rock causing water to flow in the desert, and accepted the glory for the provision of water, God felt compelled to issue a consequence for this behavior, resulting in Moses not being able to enter the promised land. Even though Moses was a great man of God and even though he had served God well, God assigned consequences to his behavior. It is quite obvious that sin must be addressed.
Chris stated that many of us tend to default to one particular consequence. In many families with older kids, that default consequence is often grounding the child. However, the Groffs teach that varying the consequences to match the situation is more effective in teaching specific lessons. Sometimes, consequences occur naturally. If your child forgets his lunch, hunger is a natural consequence of such action. There will be times when you will need to construct a consequence. In such cases, the Groffs recommend using one's imagination to identify a consequence that might teach a better lesson than the old "default" consequence.
Chris also encourages us to evaluate our consequences. If the consequence is too hard, the lesson to the child is diminished. If it is too lenient, there is no learning experience at all.
Be prepared! Kids will complain about consequences and our teacher suggests that some complaining is acceptable and even expected. Most of us grumble when we receive a ticket, even if the ticket was well-deserved. Kids are no different. However, we should be careful to distinguish between harmless complaining and disrespectt. If the comments are about the punishment and the target of the comments is the situation or the consequence, that is acceptable. However, if the target of the comment is you or your spouse, that may be stepping over the boundary and may be considered disrespectful. If disrespect occurs, consequences should be implemented, again with appropriate empathy.
According to Chris Groff, poor choices should be addressed immediately and inappropriate behavior should be pointed out. However, it is appropriate to delay the consequence, giving the child time to think about his behavior to to consider other responses that he might have chosen. The lesson today makes reference to a worksheet to help you identify possible consequences for specific behavior. Here are the four columns of the workbook:
Things your child Things your child Things you do Things that can be
does not like to do likes to do as favors exchanged for your time,
effort, and money.
Finally, our teacher describes "exploration" as the follow-up to consequences. This step should be taken only after the emotions are passed--not in the heat of the moment when emotions are running high.
NEXT WEEK: Lesson 8--Empathy
Thanks to all of you who brought breakfast food this morning and thanks for the diaper supply for the Halberts. As we mentioned, we will begin a new series in two weeks called, "Invincible Love, Invisible War". If you would like to learn more about this series, go to https://amazingcollectionstore.com/user/login
At the top of the page, you will see a label for "Store". Choose Store and then scroll down the left side until you see the title, "Invincible Love, Invisible War." This will bring you to a picture of the workbook. Click on the title and it will take you to an overview of the study and, if you have created an account on the original page, an opportunity to purchase a workbook if you choose. The workbook costs $14.99 plus tax and shipping. You are not required to create an account just to review the material. If you wish to purchase, you will need to create an account or you could order by calling 1-888-366-3460.
You certainly don't need a workbook to complete the study. However, for some folks, the workbook helps them complete the study.
Monday, July 18, 2011
July 17--Lesson #6 "Choices Within Limits"
ANNOUNCEMENT
Please mark your calendar for next Sunday, July 24, 2011. We will be hosting a diaper shower/breakfast for the Halberts, who are expecting their fourth child soon. Please bring diapers and wipes and a breakfast dish or pastry to share. The church will provide coffee, water, and perhaps, juice?
PRAYER REQUESTS: Pray for Wesley Holmes and all our junior high students who will be on a mission trip this week in Arkansas. Pray that God will open their eyes and give them a heart for those in need--spiritually and physically. (But, isn't that a great prayer for us all? I know it is for me.) Pray for Leslie's mom, Sylvia Day who is recovering from by-pass surgery. Pray for a Boy Scout who underwent emergency appendectomy surgery this week. Pray also for our visitors this week: Shawn and Kim Reynolds. Shawn and Kim have three children: Emalee(7), Danielle(4), and Elizabeth (7 months). PRAISE REPORTS: Jessica's mom has experienced healing and Valerie received a positive medical report. Thank God for hearing our prayers and for His divine intervention.
In today's lesson from Parenting by Design, the Groffs discuss the concept of offering kids choices within limits. Chris talked about the fact that God gave his people a free choice and the fact that we often learn best by experiencing the consequences of choices, good and bad. In the case of our kids, Chris suggests that we build choices between two parameters: safety and our own values. Often, kids are more amenable to control battles and boundary setting when they have choices that are clearly under their own control.
Mr. Groff also discusses the contrast between commands and choices. We can avoid control battles often by providing our kids with more choices. As long as they choices remain within the parameters of what is safe and our own value system, they are perfectly legitimate strategies to avoid the total rebellion that often is a result of a control battle.
We had some great examples shared in class of successful efforts to provide choices for our own kids. Natalie Halbert shared a situation in which one of her children was refusing to wear clothes that Mom and Dad felt were appropriate for certain occasions and activities. They began to pick out two or three outfits and gave the child the opportunity to choose an outfit from the selected ensembles the night before. That way, there was no crisis the next morning when it came time to get dressed. Stephanie and Brian shared an example in which a child wanted to attend a party and stay out until 11:00 p.m. After ensuring that the parents hosting the party were responsible and that appropriate supervision would be present, they still had issues with the lateness of the hour. The child was given the choice of going to the party and leaving at 10:30 p.m. or not going. In this way, the child was not denied the opportunity to socialize and spend time with friends. However, appropriate limits that reflected the values of the family were implemented.
We also had a discussion about the difference between commands and choices and reiterated the fact that there are always consequences for choices, both good and bad. What an important concept for our kids to learn!
Think about these concepts and principles and their application in your own family. Perhaps, God is showing you another way to guide your kids without being overbearing and creating an attitude of hostility?
Next week, in Lesson 7, we will discuss "Consequences." I look forward to seeing you there.
Please mark your calendar for next Sunday, July 24, 2011. We will be hosting a diaper shower/breakfast for the Halberts, who are expecting their fourth child soon. Please bring diapers and wipes and a breakfast dish or pastry to share. The church will provide coffee, water, and perhaps, juice?
PRAYER REQUESTS: Pray for Wesley Holmes and all our junior high students who will be on a mission trip this week in Arkansas. Pray that God will open their eyes and give them a heart for those in need--spiritually and physically. (But, isn't that a great prayer for us all? I know it is for me.) Pray for Leslie's mom, Sylvia Day who is recovering from by-pass surgery. Pray for a Boy Scout who underwent emergency appendectomy surgery this week. Pray also for our visitors this week: Shawn and Kim Reynolds. Shawn and Kim have three children: Emalee(7), Danielle(4), and Elizabeth (7 months). PRAISE REPORTS: Jessica's mom has experienced healing and Valerie received a positive medical report. Thank God for hearing our prayers and for His divine intervention.
In today's lesson from Parenting by Design, the Groffs discuss the concept of offering kids choices within limits. Chris talked about the fact that God gave his people a free choice and the fact that we often learn best by experiencing the consequences of choices, good and bad. In the case of our kids, Chris suggests that we build choices between two parameters: safety and our own values. Often, kids are more amenable to control battles and boundary setting when they have choices that are clearly under their own control.
Mr. Groff also discusses the contrast between commands and choices. We can avoid control battles often by providing our kids with more choices. As long as they choices remain within the parameters of what is safe and our own value system, they are perfectly legitimate strategies to avoid the total rebellion that often is a result of a control battle.
We had some great examples shared in class of successful efforts to provide choices for our own kids. Natalie Halbert shared a situation in which one of her children was refusing to wear clothes that Mom and Dad felt were appropriate for certain occasions and activities. They began to pick out two or three outfits and gave the child the opportunity to choose an outfit from the selected ensembles the night before. That way, there was no crisis the next morning when it came time to get dressed. Stephanie and Brian shared an example in which a child wanted to attend a party and stay out until 11:00 p.m. After ensuring that the parents hosting the party were responsible and that appropriate supervision would be present, they still had issues with the lateness of the hour. The child was given the choice of going to the party and leaving at 10:30 p.m. or not going. In this way, the child was not denied the opportunity to socialize and spend time with friends. However, appropriate limits that reflected the values of the family were implemented.
We also had a discussion about the difference between commands and choices and reiterated the fact that there are always consequences for choices, both good and bad. What an important concept for our kids to learn!
Think about these concepts and principles and their application in your own family. Perhaps, God is showing you another way to guide your kids without being overbearing and creating an attitude of hostility?
Next week, in Lesson 7, we will discuss "Consequences." I look forward to seeing you there.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The Developmental Stages--Lesson # 5
Today's lesson dealt with the developmental stages which children progress as they grow and mature. According to the Groffs, an understanding of the developmental stages helps us to have realistic expectations for our children and their behavior and helps us to understand the struggles they are facing. It also sheds light on some of the quirky things your child is likely to do and enables you to offer the kind of scaffolding he or she may need to move from one stage of development to another. In addition, knowing what your child is experiencing helps you to be empathetic. When you understand the unique challenges of each stage of the developmental process, you will be less inclined to misinterpret their actions. Understanding encourages empathy.
The Developmental Stages as outlined in today's lesson are:
I. Infant/Toddler--Ages 0-2, II. Preschool--Ages 2-6, III. Elementary--Ages 6-12, and IV. Teenage--Ages 13-18+. Within each stage, the Groffs discussed three types of development: Relational, Intellectual, and Moral.
During the first stage (Infant/Toddler), children tend to be bonding with those around them. A lack of bonding at this age can create serious problems that can be long-lasting. Fortunately, God has designed parents, and particularly mothers, in such a way that this bonding process is as pleasurable for parents as it is for the child. Because bonding is the sole focus at this stage, the bonding that occurs is pervasive. The intellectual world of a newborn is limited to what the child can physically sense. As their senses develop, their world expands, but only to the extent that they can physically perceive and interact with it. For example, when they see something it exists, but when it is hidden from view, it ceases to exist. Because these kids don't have language yet, their primary method of causing change in the environment is crying. They quickly learn that crying brings a parent and cases change. In reference to moral development, the thinking is again very simple at this age. Children of this age tend to think that whatever brings pleasure is good and whatever brings pain is bad. They are unable to comprehend things outside their physical world
During the pre-schooler stage, children begin to test boundaries as they meet people outside the family and learn to interact with them. Children at this age like to use the word "No." They are learning to separate from you ever so slightly. In the elementary stage, they are engaged heavily in information gathering and they develop a sense of fairness based on a strict set of rules. Moral decisions are based on this sense of fairness.
As they progress through the teenage years, they are likely to explore bonding again...this time outside the family. For this reason, it is not uncommon to see "puppy love" and short, but intense "romances." The pre-frontal cortex of the brain is not yet fully developed, causing teenagers to make decisions that often seen irrational. The pre-frontal cortex controls impulse decisions, delayed gratification, reasoning and risk assessment. Consequently, we often see teens taking inappropriate risks, acting on impulse, or acting in an unreasonable manner. Teens also are likely to seek acceptance and affirmation from groups with whom they are affiliated. Group interaction exposes kids to value systems other than their family's and the pressure to conform causes them to take the group's ideas very seriously. They will not take kindly to a denouncement of their group's ideology during this substage. Hopefully, toward the end of this stage, we begin to see young people developing principles as guidelines for moral decisions. When asked what the greatest commandment was, Jesus responded in Mark 12:28-31, "...Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no greater commandement than these." Christ gives two principles that should govern everything we do. Remember, at this age, you are still the most influential person in your kid's life. However, your input will be discounted if it is not provided empathetically.
Next Week: Choices Within Limits
Have a great week: Jimmy and Cindy
The Developmental Stages as outlined in today's lesson are:
I. Infant/Toddler--Ages 0-2, II. Preschool--Ages 2-6, III. Elementary--Ages 6-12, and IV. Teenage--Ages 13-18+. Within each stage, the Groffs discussed three types of development: Relational, Intellectual, and Moral.
During the first stage (Infant/Toddler), children tend to be bonding with those around them. A lack of bonding at this age can create serious problems that can be long-lasting. Fortunately, God has designed parents, and particularly mothers, in such a way that this bonding process is as pleasurable for parents as it is for the child. Because bonding is the sole focus at this stage, the bonding that occurs is pervasive. The intellectual world of a newborn is limited to what the child can physically sense. As their senses develop, their world expands, but only to the extent that they can physically perceive and interact with it. For example, when they see something it exists, but when it is hidden from view, it ceases to exist. Because these kids don't have language yet, their primary method of causing change in the environment is crying. They quickly learn that crying brings a parent and cases change. In reference to moral development, the thinking is again very simple at this age. Children of this age tend to think that whatever brings pleasure is good and whatever brings pain is bad. They are unable to comprehend things outside their physical world
During the pre-schooler stage, children begin to test boundaries as they meet people outside the family and learn to interact with them. Children at this age like to use the word "No." They are learning to separate from you ever so slightly. In the elementary stage, they are engaged heavily in information gathering and they develop a sense of fairness based on a strict set of rules. Moral decisions are based on this sense of fairness.
As they progress through the teenage years, they are likely to explore bonding again...this time outside the family. For this reason, it is not uncommon to see "puppy love" and short, but intense "romances." The pre-frontal cortex of the brain is not yet fully developed, causing teenagers to make decisions that often seen irrational. The pre-frontal cortex controls impulse decisions, delayed gratification, reasoning and risk assessment. Consequently, we often see teens taking inappropriate risks, acting on impulse, or acting in an unreasonable manner. Teens also are likely to seek acceptance and affirmation from groups with whom they are affiliated. Group interaction exposes kids to value systems other than their family's and the pressure to conform causes them to take the group's ideas very seriously. They will not take kindly to a denouncement of their group's ideology during this substage. Hopefully, toward the end of this stage, we begin to see young people developing principles as guidelines for moral decisions. When asked what the greatest commandment was, Jesus responded in Mark 12:28-31, "...Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no greater commandement than these." Christ gives two principles that should govern everything we do. Remember, at this age, you are still the most influential person in your kid's life. However, your input will be discounted if it is not provided empathetically.
Next Week: Choices Within Limits
Have a great week: Jimmy and Cindy
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