PRAYER REQUESTS: PRE-TEENS AT CAMP THIS WEEK, JESSICA'S NEIGHBOR'S SON (NATHAN)--HEART ATTACK, PASSING OF DAD IN FAMILY WITH YOUNG CHILDREN, JIMMY'S DAD.
Today's lesson is titled, "Becoming a New Parent". The Groffs discuss the challenges of changing one's parent style to one that neither dictates nor rescues children, but rather allows children to make choices and requires them to live with the consequences of those choices. As parents, it is often hard for us to allow our children to make poor choices resulting in painful consequences.
Chris Groff describes the manipulation skills of our children when he talks about the ability to young children to "push the right buttons" to set off their parents. Our kids know our trigger points and they often delight in manipulating us to the point that we explode or engage in an out-of-control response to some behavior or attitude demonstrated by our kids. Chris and Michelle advise us as parents to stay balanced. Chris states, "Remember, the most loving thing you can provide for them [your children] is an empathetic environment where they are encouraged to struggle with a problem in order to learn long-term life lessons. Take the longest possible view of the issue and let them learn from it." Life is a process. Allowing your children to manage the process is the best gift you can give to your children.
Today's lesson is based on the teaching of two scripture verses:
Galatians 6:2--encourages us to carry each other's burdens. The word used to describe "burden" is a word that means those loads, those burdens that are crushing in weight in which one person cannot possible be successful in carrying. Galatians 6:5 encourages everyone to carry their own load. The word used to describe load refers to a load that can be managed by one person. Chris and Michelle discriminate between the two concepts by describing one as a boulder--way too large for one individual to shoulder and carry, while the other is a backkpack, specifically designed to be carried by one person and efficiently moved from place to place by one individual.
Our job as parents is to discern between the backpacks and the boulders in your child's life. Even in the case of a boulder, we should not attempt to completely take over the responsibility of dealing with the issue. We should, according to the Groffs, be an empathetic supporter, building a scaffold system to help our children deal with such issues. In the case of backpack issues, we should have the patience and courage to allow our children to struggle....and even fail in order to learn how to deal efficiently and effectively with such issues.
Let's take a look at a few examples of "backpack" issues. Chris offers three examples of backpack issues that could be left to the child. These examples include getting ready in the morning. This might include dressing oneself, eating breakfast, getting to the carpool or bus stop on time, or having supplies and books in the backpack or book satchel. Chores around the house are also examples of backpack issues. Finally, homework can be an example of a backpack issue. Of course, this one can become a boulder as well because of the long-term impact it can have on a student's academic future.
Some boulder examples include dealing with injuries and/or illnesses and the ending of relationships. Sometimes, kids need empathetic encouragers and scaffolds in order to deal with these issues.
Here are the guidelines offered by the Groffs for discerning backpack issues from boulder issues:
1. Don't do something for your child they can and should do for themselves.
2. If helping makes you feel resentful, the issue is probably a "backpack."
3. Be respectful of your child's responsibility.
A TEMPLATE FOR DEALING WITH BACKPACKS AND BOULDERS P. 46 OF PARENTING BY DESIGN WORKBOOK:
BACKPACK ISSUES BOULDER ISSUES
1. Give empathy, "How sad," or "I bet that 1. Give empathy, "How sad," or
hurts." "That sounds awful."
2. Clarify whose problem it is, "What do 2. Clarify whose problem it is,
you think you're going to do?" "What do you think..."
3. Offer choices, "Would you like to 3. Offer help, "What could I do
hear what other people your age have tried?" to help you?"
A. Offer your worst choices first. A. Ask for 3 options.
B. Go to step 4 after every choice. B. Choose one option and tweak
C. Never be afraid to run out of choices. it until you feel good about giving
it.
4. Ask how their choice will work, "How do 4. Ask how it would make them feel
you think that will work for you?" if you gave them that help, "How
would you feel if I did ______?"
5. Give the power statement, "That sounds 5. Give the promise statement,
great. Let me know how it turns out." "Then I'll do it."
6. After you have done what you
promised, re-evaluate whether the
problem is still a boulder or if it
has become a backpack.
Think of examples of boulders and backpacks in your home.
Have a great week.
Jimmy and Cindy
Friday, June 24, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
June 19--Lesson 3: Parental Authority
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
Today's lesson dealt with Parental Authority or central authority in the family. In some very important ways, earthly families are models of the spiritual family. The Groffs suggest that parents are a child's first curriculum on God. In his/her early development, a child does not understand the concept of a transcendant God. However, they learn about love, provision, authority, submission, and dependence by observing and experiencing the parent/child relationship.
According to the Groffs, when a small child understands, accepts, and enjoys their parents as the central authority in their lives, they are prepared to accept and enjoy God as their ultimate central authority. They learn about the nature of a relationship with God from their relationship with their parents. Hopefully, as they grow, they will become less and less dependent on their natural parents and more and more dependent on the Perfect Parent instead.
The Groffs refer to parenting as a "team sport." In other words, both parents have to be on the same page when it comes to interaction, discipline, consequences, and the exercise of authority in the family. As Chris says, "Kids are adept at discovering cracks in the parental coalition, and you should be aware of their ability to spot a weakness." He suggests that parents have "team meetings" in which they discuss issues, differences of opinion or philosophy, and the best action or communication in reference to their kids or some behavior of their kids. In talking with your spouse about the kids, he suggests that we should be empathetic and attentive listeners as our partner expresses their position. Each person in the body of Christ has different spiritual gifts. Therefore, it is not surprising to find that the husband and wife will also have different parenting skills. Chris Groff advises us to listen to one another and to discuss our views calmly in order to establish a joint response that we both can support.
God has uniquely created you to be the central authority of your family. However, this role requres a delicate balance. Being the central authority requires the judicious exercise of power that helps each member of the family grow into the person God intended them to be. Groff also makes the point that the parental exercise of power will likely be different for each child. As a parent, it is our job to determine the appropriate and unique limits for each child.
Unfortunately, in some families, the role of central authority has been unwittingly ceded to a child or to the children. This happens when we allow the child's activities to become the center of the family's life. In today's society, this reality is fairly common. We all want our kids to have meaningful experiences that will help them develop and be prepared for the challenges of life. Consequently, we sometimes, quite unaware of our actions, allow the tremendous deluge of activities and events to drive our schedules and to consume our time and energy. When this happens, it is easy for the central authority to be shifted away from you as the parents of the family.
Here are some examples of the perfect central authority shared by the Groffs:
God (as the central authority in our lives)
--Is a strong, calm authority
--Sets reasonable boundaries
--Permits any choice within those boundaries
--Lets the consequences of choices teach
--Relies on influence rather than control
--Meets us with unconditional love, regardless of our choices.
How about "Respect for Authority?" How important is it for your children to learn respect for authority? Very few of us have positions in life where we do not report to someone and do not, at some point, have to demonstrate submission to someone else in authority. Groff says that the family setting is a safe place to start practicing respect for authority.
Keep in mind also that a really good central authority will choose to EARN the respect of their children. They use power in a respectful and empathetic way.
As mentioned previously, in today's fast-paced society, it is not uncommon for a child's calendar to become the central authority in a family. In such situations, children often learn entitlement. If we take on their responsibilities and problems, they grow to expect it and become angry when a parent is not available to cater to their needs. This certainl is a sensitive issue since most parents want their children to be exposed to a lot of activities. Therefore, it becomes increasingly important that age and development appropriate boundaries be set and observed. Groff emphasizes that such boundaries should not be based on our own personal preferences, but on creating an environment within which you will allow your childrent to make good choices or mistakes and experience the consequences of them both.
The Groffs suggest one good indicator that we may be stepping over a boundary. They suggest that when a fun family activity becomes anxiety, this may be a clear indicator that we have crossed the boundary and that appropriate consequences should be allowed to progress.
Homework for this week:
Try to make dinnertime enjoyable. According to Groff (p.40), research shows that families who eat dinner together at least five times per week are substantially less likely to have kids who smoke, drink, lie, use drugs, have premaritial sex, or contemplate suicide. Make dinner a time for fun and sharing.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, DADS. HAVE A GREAT WEEK AHEAD.
JIMMY
Today's lesson dealt with Parental Authority or central authority in the family. In some very important ways, earthly families are models of the spiritual family. The Groffs suggest that parents are a child's first curriculum on God. In his/her early development, a child does not understand the concept of a transcendant God. However, they learn about love, provision, authority, submission, and dependence by observing and experiencing the parent/child relationship.
According to the Groffs, when a small child understands, accepts, and enjoys their parents as the central authority in their lives, they are prepared to accept and enjoy God as their ultimate central authority. They learn about the nature of a relationship with God from their relationship with their parents. Hopefully, as they grow, they will become less and less dependent on their natural parents and more and more dependent on the Perfect Parent instead.
The Groffs refer to parenting as a "team sport." In other words, both parents have to be on the same page when it comes to interaction, discipline, consequences, and the exercise of authority in the family. As Chris says, "Kids are adept at discovering cracks in the parental coalition, and you should be aware of their ability to spot a weakness." He suggests that parents have "team meetings" in which they discuss issues, differences of opinion or philosophy, and the best action or communication in reference to their kids or some behavior of their kids. In talking with your spouse about the kids, he suggests that we should be empathetic and attentive listeners as our partner expresses their position. Each person in the body of Christ has different spiritual gifts. Therefore, it is not surprising to find that the husband and wife will also have different parenting skills. Chris Groff advises us to listen to one another and to discuss our views calmly in order to establish a joint response that we both can support.
God has uniquely created you to be the central authority of your family. However, this role requres a delicate balance. Being the central authority requires the judicious exercise of power that helps each member of the family grow into the person God intended them to be. Groff also makes the point that the parental exercise of power will likely be different for each child. As a parent, it is our job to determine the appropriate and unique limits for each child.
Unfortunately, in some families, the role of central authority has been unwittingly ceded to a child or to the children. This happens when we allow the child's activities to become the center of the family's life. In today's society, this reality is fairly common. We all want our kids to have meaningful experiences that will help them develop and be prepared for the challenges of life. Consequently, we sometimes, quite unaware of our actions, allow the tremendous deluge of activities and events to drive our schedules and to consume our time and energy. When this happens, it is easy for the central authority to be shifted away from you as the parents of the family.
Here are some examples of the perfect central authority shared by the Groffs:
God (as the central authority in our lives)
--Is a strong, calm authority
--Sets reasonable boundaries
--Permits any choice within those boundaries
--Lets the consequences of choices teach
--Relies on influence rather than control
--Meets us with unconditional love, regardless of our choices.
How about "Respect for Authority?" How important is it for your children to learn respect for authority? Very few of us have positions in life where we do not report to someone and do not, at some point, have to demonstrate submission to someone else in authority. Groff says that the family setting is a safe place to start practicing respect for authority.
Keep in mind also that a really good central authority will choose to EARN the respect of their children. They use power in a respectful and empathetic way.
As mentioned previously, in today's fast-paced society, it is not uncommon for a child's calendar to become the central authority in a family. In such situations, children often learn entitlement. If we take on their responsibilities and problems, they grow to expect it and become angry when a parent is not available to cater to their needs. This certainl is a sensitive issue since most parents want their children to be exposed to a lot of activities. Therefore, it becomes increasingly important that age and development appropriate boundaries be set and observed. Groff emphasizes that such boundaries should not be based on our own personal preferences, but on creating an environment within which you will allow your childrent to make good choices or mistakes and experience the consequences of them both.
The Groffs suggest one good indicator that we may be stepping over a boundary. They suggest that when a fun family activity becomes anxiety, this may be a clear indicator that we have crossed the boundary and that appropriate consequences should be allowed to progress.
Homework for this week:
Try to make dinnertime enjoyable. According to Groff (p.40), research shows that families who eat dinner together at least five times per week are substantially less likely to have kids who smoke, drink, lie, use drugs, have premaritial sex, or contemplate suicide. Make dinner a time for fun and sharing.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, DADS. HAVE A GREAT WEEK AHEAD.
JIMMY
Sunday, June 12, 2011
June 12, 2011--"The Three E's of Parenting--Experience, Example, & Exploration
As we continued our 8-week video series from "Parenting by Design" by Chris and Michelle Groff and Lee Long and Mark Foster, we looked at Week 2 of the study this week. Week 2 identifies the "three E's of parenting: age-appropriate (and maturity-appropriate) experiences, our parental example, and lovingly leading our children on an exploration of the motivations driving their behavior.
I saw evidence in today's lesson that the authors of this program have not only consulted the ultimate guide to parental design, God's Holy Word, but they have also referenced some of the foundational paradigms of education as well. For example, in today's discussion, Chris Groff talked about early brain research in which the brain was dissected, making it difficult, if not impossible for research to be conducted on a living subject. However, in the past two decades, improved imaging capability has made it possible for researchers to study the brain while it is in action in a living subject. This commentary on the advances in brain research likely came from the early chapters of a book by Eric Jensen, Teaching With the Brain in Mind. During his discussion on leading explorative activities with our children, he mentioned the importance of listening to your child and repeating without emotion the child's comments. This practice is a mainstay of a discipline management strategy known as "Reality Therapy" espoused by Dr. William Glasser.
A worthy goal for our parenting is to have our kids move from dependence on us as parents to reliance on God. Our job as parents is to help kids move in that direction. Since it is "camp" time in many of our households, we took an informal survey this morning to determine the differences in parental control over our children's preparation for camp. Some parents reported that their kids were ready to pack their own bags and they allowed them to do so. Others were not comfortable with allowing their kids to pack their own bags. This is just one example of our willingness to allow our kids opportunities to experience independence. Remember, the experiences should be age-appropriate as well as maturity-appropriate. Otherwise, the learning opportunity will be wasted. For some kids, allowing them to pack their own bags for a week at camp would be a disaster. For others, it is a learrning opportunity. As parents, we are charged with the responsibility to determining the right time and the right experiences for our children. Decision-making and problem-solving are skills that are learned through practice. Like any skill, our kids need opportunities to master them.
NEWS FLASH: As I am writing this blog on Sunday afternoon, I have received a phone call from my youngest daughter informing me that she is stranded on Highway 21 on this side of Caldwell with a flat tire as she heads home. One side of me suggests that she is only 30 minutes away and that I should go handle this situation for her. However, the other side says to let her deal with this situation....it will be a great learning experience. She has AAA coverage and it is just a matter of making the call, showing her card (assuming she can find her card), and giving the technician time to find her location and mount the spare tire (also assuming that the spare is not flat). One side of me says, "Run to her aid." The other side says, "Let her handle this situation. Afterall, she is 25 years old." I share this with you as an example that these feelings of the need to control do not necessarily disappear even after your children "grow up." Of course, it IS HOT out there today...maybe I will let her take care of this--what a great learning experience.
Chris Groff asked us to view our children as "little scientists" running around conducting experiements as they grow. Certainly, there will be some mistakes. Some of these mistakes may even be painful. Yet, we must uderstand and accept that mistakes are part of the learning process. These mistakes can also be the basis for new growth and maturity. I appreciated the example shared by Kathleen and Bill Gutierrez this morning as they shared a story about their son and his involvement in scouting. It seems that Bill knew that his son would need certain materials (notebook, pen, etc.) in the meetings and that he also knew the start time of the meetings. However, he allowed his son to attend the meetings without the appropriate materials and even allowed him to go to meetings thirty minutes late in order to learn the consequences of failing to meet these expectations and to grow in his capacity to take care of himself and to act responsibly. Kathleen found out about the "experiment" and was not pleased that they were allowing their son to fail in these areas. However, as a result of his experience, their son has become responsible, bringing his own materials to meetings and scheduling the meetings in a timely manner. A hard lesson to learn? Possibly, but it was learned under the watchful parameters of a Mom and Dad who desperately wanted their son to learn responsible behavior. Years from now, they will be glad they allowed this to happen in order to teach a valuable lesson to their son.
James 1: 2-4 says: "Consider it all joy, my brethern, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him."
The four essential ingredients of experience that encourage growth and maturity in children:
1. Kids should have age-appropriate problems to solve.
2. They should be allowed to try to solve these problems on their own.
3. They should be allowed to learn from the consequences of their problem-solving efforts, successful or not.
4. They should be given just the amount of support they need to solve the problem for themselves. In other words, it is healthy to struggle a little. If we take the problem from them, they learn very little.
The Bible tells us that trials develop perseverance, wisdom and dependence on God. When we recognize the eternal value of struggles, it helps us to walk alongside our kids with empathy and let them experience the consequences of their choices. Children who have opportunities to solve problems are more likely to develop responsibility, respect, resourcefulness and an understanding of the spiritual power available to them.
Chris and Michelle also discuss the values of chores around the house. According to the Groffs, chores teach teamwork, time management, resource management, and all kinds of other skills kids will need when they leave home. Kids also get a sense of accomplishment and value as they learn and use new skills. Is it possible that we are shirking our responsibility as parents when we don't give our kids these opportunities to contribute?
Here are some Proverbs cited in the workbook that relate to chores:
Proverbs 13:4 "The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied."
Proverbs 18:9 "One who is slack in his work is brother to one who destroys."
Proverbs 21:25 "The sluggard's craving will be the death of him, because his hands refuse to work. All day long he craves for more, but the righteous give without sparing."
The second E in our lesson stands for example. The way you live your life is influencing your kids. They are watching everything you do. As a result, you must model the qualities you want to see in your children. I like this quote from C.H. Spurgeon that was included in the workbook: "If we walk before the Lord with integrity, we shall do more to bless our descendants than if we bequeathed them large estates." Teaching the Word is important, but living the Word is more important.
James 1:22 says, "Do not merely listen to the Word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." Groff states, "You are your kids' first curriculum on the characteristics of a 'father'. Consequently, your example will influence how they perceive their heavenly father." WOW. What a responsibility! Here are some ways to be a positive model for your kids:
1. Model humility
2. Facing and solving problems
3. Giving and receiving empathy
4. Learning from consequences
The third E stands for exploration. In the Bible, God often asks questions to encourage His people to explore their hearts. Jesus wanted people to respond to God in ways that go beyond mere obedience. Isn't this what we want for our children?
Some Biblical examples of exploration are:
After Adam and Eve had eaten the fruit, God asks Adam, "Where are you?" (Gen. 3:9) and "Who told you that you were naked?" Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?" (Gen. 3:11). Clearly, God knew the answers to these questions. He was not asking for His sake, but rather to cause Adam and Eve to explore themselves and their motivations.
In 1 Kings 1:5-6, "Now Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, "I will be king." So he prepared himself chariots and horsemen with fifty men to run before him. His father had never crossed him at any time by asking, "Why have you done so?" David is criticized for not asking his fourth son, Adonijah, thought provoking questions about his behavior.
This week, give your kids more age-appropriate choices/experiences and allow them to experience the consequences of their choices. If the chance arises, try exploration with empathy.
NEXT WEEK: Parental Authority
Welcome to Jason and Sumar Ballard who visited with us today. The Ballards have three children, Amy (12), Tristan (9), and Halle (7).
I saw evidence in today's lesson that the authors of this program have not only consulted the ultimate guide to parental design, God's Holy Word, but they have also referenced some of the foundational paradigms of education as well. For example, in today's discussion, Chris Groff talked about early brain research in which the brain was dissected, making it difficult, if not impossible for research to be conducted on a living subject. However, in the past two decades, improved imaging capability has made it possible for researchers to study the brain while it is in action in a living subject. This commentary on the advances in brain research likely came from the early chapters of a book by Eric Jensen, Teaching With the Brain in Mind. During his discussion on leading explorative activities with our children, he mentioned the importance of listening to your child and repeating without emotion the child's comments. This practice is a mainstay of a discipline management strategy known as "Reality Therapy" espoused by Dr. William Glasser.
A worthy goal for our parenting is to have our kids move from dependence on us as parents to reliance on God. Our job as parents is to help kids move in that direction. Since it is "camp" time in many of our households, we took an informal survey this morning to determine the differences in parental control over our children's preparation for camp. Some parents reported that their kids were ready to pack their own bags and they allowed them to do so. Others were not comfortable with allowing their kids to pack their own bags. This is just one example of our willingness to allow our kids opportunities to experience independence. Remember, the experiences should be age-appropriate as well as maturity-appropriate. Otherwise, the learning opportunity will be wasted. For some kids, allowing them to pack their own bags for a week at camp would be a disaster. For others, it is a learrning opportunity. As parents, we are charged with the responsibility to determining the right time and the right experiences for our children. Decision-making and problem-solving are skills that are learned through practice. Like any skill, our kids need opportunities to master them.
NEWS FLASH: As I am writing this blog on Sunday afternoon, I have received a phone call from my youngest daughter informing me that she is stranded on Highway 21 on this side of Caldwell with a flat tire as she heads home. One side of me suggests that she is only 30 minutes away and that I should go handle this situation for her. However, the other side says to let her deal with this situation....it will be a great learning experience. She has AAA coverage and it is just a matter of making the call, showing her card (assuming she can find her card), and giving the technician time to find her location and mount the spare tire (also assuming that the spare is not flat). One side of me says, "Run to her aid." The other side says, "Let her handle this situation. Afterall, she is 25 years old." I share this with you as an example that these feelings of the need to control do not necessarily disappear even after your children "grow up." Of course, it IS HOT out there today...maybe I will let her take care of this--what a great learning experience.
Chris Groff asked us to view our children as "little scientists" running around conducting experiements as they grow. Certainly, there will be some mistakes. Some of these mistakes may even be painful. Yet, we must uderstand and accept that mistakes are part of the learning process. These mistakes can also be the basis for new growth and maturity. I appreciated the example shared by Kathleen and Bill Gutierrez this morning as they shared a story about their son and his involvement in scouting. It seems that Bill knew that his son would need certain materials (notebook, pen, etc.) in the meetings and that he also knew the start time of the meetings. However, he allowed his son to attend the meetings without the appropriate materials and even allowed him to go to meetings thirty minutes late in order to learn the consequences of failing to meet these expectations and to grow in his capacity to take care of himself and to act responsibly. Kathleen found out about the "experiment" and was not pleased that they were allowing their son to fail in these areas. However, as a result of his experience, their son has become responsible, bringing his own materials to meetings and scheduling the meetings in a timely manner. A hard lesson to learn? Possibly, but it was learned under the watchful parameters of a Mom and Dad who desperately wanted their son to learn responsible behavior. Years from now, they will be glad they allowed this to happen in order to teach a valuable lesson to their son.
James 1: 2-4 says: "Consider it all joy, my brethern, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him."
The four essential ingredients of experience that encourage growth and maturity in children:
1. Kids should have age-appropriate problems to solve.
2. They should be allowed to try to solve these problems on their own.
3. They should be allowed to learn from the consequences of their problem-solving efforts, successful or not.
4. They should be given just the amount of support they need to solve the problem for themselves. In other words, it is healthy to struggle a little. If we take the problem from them, they learn very little.
The Bible tells us that trials develop perseverance, wisdom and dependence on God. When we recognize the eternal value of struggles, it helps us to walk alongside our kids with empathy and let them experience the consequences of their choices. Children who have opportunities to solve problems are more likely to develop responsibility, respect, resourcefulness and an understanding of the spiritual power available to them.
Chris and Michelle also discuss the values of chores around the house. According to the Groffs, chores teach teamwork, time management, resource management, and all kinds of other skills kids will need when they leave home. Kids also get a sense of accomplishment and value as they learn and use new skills. Is it possible that we are shirking our responsibility as parents when we don't give our kids these opportunities to contribute?
Here are some Proverbs cited in the workbook that relate to chores:
Proverbs 13:4 "The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied."
Proverbs 18:9 "One who is slack in his work is brother to one who destroys."
Proverbs 21:25 "The sluggard's craving will be the death of him, because his hands refuse to work. All day long he craves for more, but the righteous give without sparing."
The second E in our lesson stands for example. The way you live your life is influencing your kids. They are watching everything you do. As a result, you must model the qualities you want to see in your children. I like this quote from C.H. Spurgeon that was included in the workbook: "If we walk before the Lord with integrity, we shall do more to bless our descendants than if we bequeathed them large estates." Teaching the Word is important, but living the Word is more important.
James 1:22 says, "Do not merely listen to the Word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." Groff states, "You are your kids' first curriculum on the characteristics of a 'father'. Consequently, your example will influence how they perceive their heavenly father." WOW. What a responsibility! Here are some ways to be a positive model for your kids:
1. Model humility
2. Facing and solving problems
3. Giving and receiving empathy
4. Learning from consequences
The third E stands for exploration. In the Bible, God often asks questions to encourage His people to explore their hearts. Jesus wanted people to respond to God in ways that go beyond mere obedience. Isn't this what we want for our children?
Some Biblical examples of exploration are:
After Adam and Eve had eaten the fruit, God asks Adam, "Where are you?" (Gen. 3:9) and "Who told you that you were naked?" Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?" (Gen. 3:11). Clearly, God knew the answers to these questions. He was not asking for His sake, but rather to cause Adam and Eve to explore themselves and their motivations.
In 1 Kings 1:5-6, "Now Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, "I will be king." So he prepared himself chariots and horsemen with fifty men to run before him. His father had never crossed him at any time by asking, "Why have you done so?" David is criticized for not asking his fourth son, Adonijah, thought provoking questions about his behavior.
This week, give your kids more age-appropriate choices/experiences and allow them to experience the consequences of their choices. If the chance arises, try exploration with empathy.
NEXT WEEK: Parental Authority
Welcome to Jason and Sumar Ballard who visited with us today. The Ballards have three children, Amy (12), Tristan (9), and Halle (7).
Monday, June 6, 2011
Lesson One--Parenting by Design June 5, 2011
This week, we began a new Sunday School study--an 8 week DVD Study known as Parenting by Design. In 2003, Chris and Michelle Groff were forced to check their son into a treatment program in Colorado. In the fall of that year, they attended a family weekend event presented by the program's therapists under the direction of Lee Long. At this family weekend, the therapists offered a parenting class which became the basis for the current Parenting by Design program.
Lesson One deals with parenting styles and methods and asks the question, "Why do we parent the way we do?" According to the Groffs, the most influential source of parenting style usually is the example of YOUR parents. It is understandable that we would absorb most of our parenting skills from the parents to whom we were exposed for the first 18 years or so of our lives. Of course, this does not always mean that one will adopt the style of his/her parents. Sometimes, we adopt an opposing methodology to compensate for what we perceive as mistakes made by our own parents.
In Lesson One, we identified a number of other factors that often influence our parenting styles. These factors may include your agreement or disagreement with the following statements: "1. I like to feel in control of my kids and their lives. 2. I want to be appreciated by my kids. 3. I don't want my child to suffer as I did. 4. I love my child, and I do everything I can for him or her."
Lesson One also included a discussion about our goals as parents. The "Success Trap" was identified as a potential downfall for parents and children. Chris stated, "When we ask parents to describe what a successful parenting experience might look like, they often respond that their children would exhibit traits like faith, love of God, love of others, happiness, respect, etc. But when we drill down to specifics, we begin to see the world's influence. It is convicting to take a little time and reflect on our definition of "success" and to see how the world's view can surreptitiously influence our thinking."
Four questions that parents were encourged to ask were:
"What is a successful job?, What about status in that job? How about marriage and family? and Is recogniton important?" Fame is awarded for all the wrong reasons. As with power, the world craves fame for the glory it brings to the individual rather than seeking to bring glory to God. Our culture defines success based on money, power, beauty, and fame.
We should be seeking God's definition of success for our children. God places no value on money, fame, power, or beauty. Jesus describes the Godly picture of success in Matthew 20:26-28: "...whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave--just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many." Phillipians 2:3-5 reinforces this concept. Dr. Tim Kimmel defines true greatness as: "A passionate love for God that demonstrates itself in an unquenchable love and concern for others."
We need to trust that God knows best. Psalm 139:13 assures us that God has known us for a long time and He not only created our children, He purposefully designed us to be the parents of our children. We must trust God to equip us for the task. (Hebrews 13:20,21)
Groff says, "Don't be surprised when, during the course of this class, you begin to see your relationship with your Heavenly Father differently." James Dobson says, "Ideal parenting is modeled after the relationship between God and man. And, the context of parenting enables us to see God's parental love in a unique way." God's unconditional love is amazing. "It is the model we should strive to emulate in our relationships. God uses the parenting journey as a unique tool to help us grow spiritually. It has a way of exposing areas where we are too invested in worldly validation, where we are indulging our flesh in the way we communicate, and where we are failing to trust God. Few things are harder to trust to Him than our children. Ask God to reveal your blind spots and where they are affecting our parenting decisions. This can be a golden opportunity to chart a new course."
Finally, in Lesson One, we discussed Parenting Styles: Bonding, Boundaries, and Balance. Bonding is the capacity to get close to another person. Boundaries are necessary for a child to be a distinct person.
Groff states, "To the extent we can learn to be balanced between these two needs, we are likely to have healthy relationships." Our lesson described The Trinity as a perfect model of balance between bonding and boundaries. The Groffs have described parents with three different labels which describe their trends toward the extremes of parenting. The first label is "The Rescuer." This parent fears failure and they do everything in their power to help their kids avoid mistakes. They hover, protect, and rescue their children from their predicaments. They sacrifice necessary boundaries for bonding. The children of rescuers often demonstrate entitlement because they learn to expect parents to solve problems for them.
Proverbs 19:19 warns against this type of parenting:
"A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again."
The Dictator also cannot stand to see their child fail. Their concern is less about preventing pain, but more about promoting success. They lecture, order, and direct their kids to a path they are certain will bring appropriate results. Dictators sacrifice the bonding a child craves for boundaries. They focus on results and neglect nurturing. They undermine their child's individuality by demanding that things be done the parent's way. The children of dictators often become rebellious or withdrawn. Because these kids are given little control over their lives, they often try to gain it back in inappropriate ways.
Proverbs 12:18 addresses this kind of parenting:
"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
The Consultant parent embraces bonding and boundaries. They communicate their love while embracing the child's individuality and value. These parents send a message that the quality of the child's life depends greatly on the choices he/she makes. The consultant parent is described in the following verses:
Proverbs 17:27, Ephesians 6:4, and Colossians 3:21.
We should all be striving for balance. Verses that support Bonding include:
James 1:19, Proverbs 15:1, Proverbs 16:23. The importance of Boundaries is described in Proverbs 6:23, Proverbs 19:18, Proverbs 29:21, and Ephesians 4:15.
As Mr. Groff said in the lesson, "There has only been one perfect parent...and, you're not Him." Even the children of the perfect parent have rebelled. Therefore, we cannot assume that our own children will not be rebellious at times. Yet, God demonstrated unconditional love to His children and we should strive to emulate that unconditional love to our own children. We should seek that Godly balance of bonding and boundaries.
Which parenting style best describes you?
Are there some areas where you need to redefine "success" in parenting? If so, how can you model that for your children?
Practice empathy by spending some time engaged in an activity your child enjoys. Ask them what it is about that activity they love so much.
Next Week: "The Three E's of Parenting: Experience, Example, Exploration"
Have a great week.
Jimmy
Lesson One deals with parenting styles and methods and asks the question, "Why do we parent the way we do?" According to the Groffs, the most influential source of parenting style usually is the example of YOUR parents. It is understandable that we would absorb most of our parenting skills from the parents to whom we were exposed for the first 18 years or so of our lives. Of course, this does not always mean that one will adopt the style of his/her parents. Sometimes, we adopt an opposing methodology to compensate for what we perceive as mistakes made by our own parents.
In Lesson One, we identified a number of other factors that often influence our parenting styles. These factors may include your agreement or disagreement with the following statements: "1. I like to feel in control of my kids and their lives. 2. I want to be appreciated by my kids. 3. I don't want my child to suffer as I did. 4. I love my child, and I do everything I can for him or her."
Lesson One also included a discussion about our goals as parents. The "Success Trap" was identified as a potential downfall for parents and children. Chris stated, "When we ask parents to describe what a successful parenting experience might look like, they often respond that their children would exhibit traits like faith, love of God, love of others, happiness, respect, etc. But when we drill down to specifics, we begin to see the world's influence. It is convicting to take a little time and reflect on our definition of "success" and to see how the world's view can surreptitiously influence our thinking."
Four questions that parents were encourged to ask were:
"What is a successful job?, What about status in that job? How about marriage and family? and Is recogniton important?" Fame is awarded for all the wrong reasons. As with power, the world craves fame for the glory it brings to the individual rather than seeking to bring glory to God. Our culture defines success based on money, power, beauty, and fame.
We should be seeking God's definition of success for our children. God places no value on money, fame, power, or beauty. Jesus describes the Godly picture of success in Matthew 20:26-28: "...whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave--just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many." Phillipians 2:3-5 reinforces this concept. Dr. Tim Kimmel defines true greatness as: "A passionate love for God that demonstrates itself in an unquenchable love and concern for others."
We need to trust that God knows best. Psalm 139:13 assures us that God has known us for a long time and He not only created our children, He purposefully designed us to be the parents of our children. We must trust God to equip us for the task. (Hebrews 13:20,21)
Groff says, "Don't be surprised when, during the course of this class, you begin to see your relationship with your Heavenly Father differently." James Dobson says, "Ideal parenting is modeled after the relationship between God and man. And, the context of parenting enables us to see God's parental love in a unique way." God's unconditional love is amazing. "It is the model we should strive to emulate in our relationships. God uses the parenting journey as a unique tool to help us grow spiritually. It has a way of exposing areas where we are too invested in worldly validation, where we are indulging our flesh in the way we communicate, and where we are failing to trust God. Few things are harder to trust to Him than our children. Ask God to reveal your blind spots and where they are affecting our parenting decisions. This can be a golden opportunity to chart a new course."
Finally, in Lesson One, we discussed Parenting Styles: Bonding, Boundaries, and Balance. Bonding is the capacity to get close to another person. Boundaries are necessary for a child to be a distinct person.
Groff states, "To the extent we can learn to be balanced between these two needs, we are likely to have healthy relationships." Our lesson described The Trinity as a perfect model of balance between bonding and boundaries. The Groffs have described parents with three different labels which describe their trends toward the extremes of parenting. The first label is "The Rescuer." This parent fears failure and they do everything in their power to help their kids avoid mistakes. They hover, protect, and rescue their children from their predicaments. They sacrifice necessary boundaries for bonding. The children of rescuers often demonstrate entitlement because they learn to expect parents to solve problems for them.
Proverbs 19:19 warns against this type of parenting:
"A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again."
The Dictator also cannot stand to see their child fail. Their concern is less about preventing pain, but more about promoting success. They lecture, order, and direct their kids to a path they are certain will bring appropriate results. Dictators sacrifice the bonding a child craves for boundaries. They focus on results and neglect nurturing. They undermine their child's individuality by demanding that things be done the parent's way. The children of dictators often become rebellious or withdrawn. Because these kids are given little control over their lives, they often try to gain it back in inappropriate ways.
Proverbs 12:18 addresses this kind of parenting:
"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
The Consultant parent embraces bonding and boundaries. They communicate their love while embracing the child's individuality and value. These parents send a message that the quality of the child's life depends greatly on the choices he/she makes. The consultant parent is described in the following verses:
Proverbs 17:27, Ephesians 6:4, and Colossians 3:21.
We should all be striving for balance. Verses that support Bonding include:
James 1:19, Proverbs 15:1, Proverbs 16:23. The importance of Boundaries is described in Proverbs 6:23, Proverbs 19:18, Proverbs 29:21, and Ephesians 4:15.
As Mr. Groff said in the lesson, "There has only been one perfect parent...and, you're not Him." Even the children of the perfect parent have rebelled. Therefore, we cannot assume that our own children will not be rebellious at times. Yet, God demonstrated unconditional love to His children and we should strive to emulate that unconditional love to our own children. We should seek that Godly balance of bonding and boundaries.
Which parenting style best describes you?
Are there some areas where you need to redefine "success" in parenting? If so, how can you model that for your children?
Practice empathy by spending some time engaged in an activity your child enjoys. Ask them what it is about that activity they love so much.
Next Week: "The Three E's of Parenting: Experience, Example, Exploration"
Have a great week.
Jimmy
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